To Every Parent Who Strives For Perfection

Perfection Isn't Orderly

As parents we are told that the raising of our children is our sole priority. A sacred duty that falls entirely to us. We see professionally packaged and neatly presented examples of what a good parent is and we are left feeling as though who we are is not enough. We are told that the blame for any struggle our child experiences should be laid at our feet. Parents are isolated and exemplified in order to make them a kind of monument upon which the blame of systemic failure can be hung. We become the target of vitriol and disdain by the systems we entrust with the care of those who matter most to us.

I want you to know that I see you.

I see the desperate struggle to maintain your calm while professionals speak about your child in such derogatory and hopeless language.

I see you swallow every failure of the school environment, allowing yourself to take the blame so that professionals will treat your child with some semblance of kindness.

I am there when you neglect you’re own mental health to protect the mental health of your child.

I see every sleepless night, silent cry in the bathroom, free time spent filling out forms.

I see you.

And I know that right now, you turn your anger towards yourself for not being able to make the world a kinder place for your disabled child.

The truth, however, is that perfection is not neat and contained. Perfection is messy and chaotic. In fact, perfection is a deceitful label we are ordered to strive for to remove the blame from the system.

You do not need to be perfect, the perfect parent is a myth.

You need to meet your child where they are. Love them fully and without want to “fix” them. Love them so deeply that being loved is nothing to them. It becomes so normal that it is no longer the big moment the films would have you believe.

I would rather have a loved child, than for my child to spend their years watching me fight not just the system but themselves.

There is, of course, a need to take on some fights. But the imperfect spectre of yourself is not what we should be focused on.